Thursday, May 13, 2010

Cutting the Tie

I have so much fun in primary. Last Sunday we were missing a chorister, so I got to do the duty. My sister told me of something she did in primary years ago...I decided it was the time to give it a try. I brought in an old tie and asked one of the men in primary to wear it. Then during music time I pulled out my trusty sissors, and everytime the children sang well I cut a peice of his tie off. Many of the children were sitting on the edges of their seats belting out the songs in a most beautifully enthusiastic manner...and others refused to sing. As the first four inches came off I saw little Jimmy on the front row...my little Sunbeam. He didn't have to say it...I saw the horror in his eyes...they were PLEADING with me to stop! He could not believe what I was doing! I just wanted to pull him aside and tell him things aren't as they seem...if I could have communicated with him he would have been fine.

I didn't have the chance to talk to little Jimmy that day, however I did call his mother and explain it to her. She laughed as I told her the situation, and agreed to talk to Jimmy and explain what was really happening.

Sometimes I feel like little Jimmy. I look at what's going on around me in painful confusion. It's during times like these I need to remember the Savior has the bigger picture. I am thankful for those who cross my path from time to time who have a glimpse of a bigger picture, and can expand my view. As I look at life's experiences through the bigger picture I am filled with great peace and hope.

Monday, November 23, 2009

My Brain Dump

I can't sleep. So many thoughts are spinning around in my mind. I have a child whose 18 years old. He's always been such a sweet boy. He was the one child I thought would have a happy, productive, normal life. He was respectful, obedient, fun... Then a few years ago he tried to take his life. It was triggered because he wanted to go to a friend's house. I asked him if the kids parents were going to be home, where he lived, etc. He got upset with me because he thought he should be able to go and do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Anyway, that night he tried to take his life. After that He has been more free with expressing himself. He grew his hair out so it covered his eyes. He began wearing black...he had the whole Emo thing going on. He was cutting himself. It has been so hard for me to watch him. I've tried so hard to love him, and help him, but in the end I can't make his choices for him....and so he chooses a life of misery and pain.

So several weeks ago I got a call from him to come and pick him up after school. This was typical. I have to pick him up every day...but as I was driving to the school I had this thought that he was going to tell me his girlfriend (age 15) was pregnant. I cried at the thought. When I got to the school, he and his girlfriend got in the back seat of the car. As I drove my son proceeded to tell me that his girlfriend was pregnant. Fortunately I had been prepared, and I was able to talk about it with them in a very non emotional, rational way. I learned from them that they were thinking about keeping the baby because it would be easier emotionally. I get the whole easier emotionally thing, but I did explain that they had made their choices, now they've involved another precious life. I asked them to seriously and prayerfully consider what would be the best for the child. I encouraged them to put themselves aside, and with all the love they could muster to seek the very best solution for the child.

So I feel like I have so little influence. The girlfriend has been told by counselors that she will have her baby's childcare paid for. She could take the baby to school and put it in the nursery there at the school while she's in class. She would get a free college education. The government would pay for food, etc. What they haven't told Spencer is that they will seek child support from him...they will come after him for that money. He's never even held a job...he can't even find one! These kids are sooo not ready for this.

I've been talking with someone down at church social services. They are so great! They gave me a dvd to give to the girlfriend's mom to view. I did that. Although I didn't get a response from her mom, the girlfriend responded to me briefly and told me the dvd really made her think. Yeah!!! I was so excited! I really believe that in spite of themselves that the Lord will bless them and guide them if they will just heed those promptings...and I really hope they do!

My sister came over last night for dinner. She works in the youth program in the girlfriend's ward...so they know what is going on. Last week they fasted for these kids. I cannot tell you how it feels to have that kind of support beyond myself. I can only do so much, but to learn that others are also with me in this cause, it gives me incredible strength. So anyway, my boy hasn't told me their plans, which only makes me concerned. My sister thought that the word on the grapevine is that they're planning to keep the child. That is just sad...so very very sad. I hope that's not true!

I'm going to call the girlfriend's mom tomorrow. She was very open with me about how things are going last time I talked to her. I hope she has some concrete feedback for me. I can learn what she thought of the dvd too. She told me she was open to talking to someone at social services, and we have a tenative apt for her and I to talk to someone this week. I have since learned since making the apt that they're going to be out of town that day. That's okay though. I can find out what would be good for her, and we can set something up.

I'm so sad this is all happening. It's hard for me to see my son remove his agency one choice at a time. My heart aches for his well being. I want so much for my children... My whole life has been about them...I want them to have the best this world has to offer...I want them to be happy, to experience the joys and the beauty of life. They have to choose it though. ...and it breakes my heart to see him struggle so much.

There's only one thing that comforts me. It's a knowledge that the Savior is real. His love for me is fixed. He's an anchor I can always count on. I often view His strength as a very strong iron pole that extends through time and eternity. When I hold to that pole, I am centered. The storms may come, even death may come, but I will always have the Savior. He's a constant who extends through time and space, and eternity. His view of the world is different than my own. Like my friend recently told me, Heavenly Father sees our lives, and our choices different than we do. Otherwise, how could He send His children to this earth? I do trust Him. I need to just press forward with hope, and the understanding that all will be well.

What a ride.




Monday, November 9, 2009

just counting my blessings

Today I am thankful for:

my little man's giggles
the beautiful weather
the fact that I can walk
my hubby
8 happy children
1 child who challenges me
a comfortable bed
kind neighbors
pumkin pie
Christmas decorations
my toothbrush
DoTerra essential oils...today-grapefruit oil
water
my faith
The Savior's love
my parents
my brothers and sisters
primary children
a home
my tomatoes
pink toe nails
music
living by family
my friends
pret ty sis ters
the sun
temples
art
birds
snails
painted chairs
grandparents
healthy food
my watch
razors
the computer
flowers
tape
the ability to love
the beach
clean sheets
car pools
my hands
electricity
light
sweatshirts
teeth
shells
prayer
printer ink cartridges
my hands


Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I've been thinking alot about faith, and hope...and the law of attraction. When I first learned about the law of attraction, it all made a lot of sense to me. The people who created the movie, "The Secret" were in touch with truth, however they attempted to take God out of it...or hide Him. Truthfully, He belongs right in the middle of it...and we can call it faith. It's an eternal principle that has been around for longer than the earth's been here. In fact, it was by this principle that the earth was created. I could ramble on about now, but instead I'll summarize:

1) Faith is believing in something true that you can't see. It is believing in such a way that you can count on it. I do believe that our beliefs carry with them tremendous energy or power. If I sit here and believe whole heartedly that I am going to be successful at something, chances are I will be. I have always been taught to place my faith in the Savior. This carries with it more strength than just merely believing in some desired outcome...although that's important. However, as we place our belief in the Savior and His ablilty to help us, He has so much more power than I alone could ever have. If I can trust that He can do anything, I have an anchor...and my belief can do so much more for me than merely believing in my wish.

2) Hope. I have learned through careful study of the principle that the kind of hope the Savior has asked us to cultivate goes beyond a wish. It's being able to desire something with the assurance it will be there for us. I like to think of it as gratitude in reverse. It's knowing what will be, and being grateful for it. The law of attraction talks a lot of cultivating the feelings of gratitude...as if what I want has already happened. It's also just being grateful for the blessings I have already received.

These are the core principles in the law of attraction. They are also the core principles in faith. I think the world has stumbled upon a true law of nature, but has tried to hide God. I know that as I place my faith, or belief in the Savior, He can do so much more for me than I could ever begin to do for myself.

Just a thought.

Sunday, September 20, 2009



Today I needed this!

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
Isaiah 41:10

Friday, September 11, 2009

Fertilizer

Several years ago I was reading my scriptures...trying to get past the part that talks about the trees... planting... grafting... plucking them up... wild fruit...etc.

I was half tuned in to what I was reading, and was really feeling sorry for myself...

I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I was going through a lot of personal turmoil. I was in a challenging marriage, and my children were struggling. My parents and siblings were all in the west, and I felt very much alone and isolated on the east coast... and I was looking for some kind of relief through my scripture study.

The end of the parable was quickly approaching, and the Lord of the vineyard started "DUNGING" His beloved trees.

Suddenly I was alert.

Dung?

Did that really mean what I thought it meant? I must confess I laughed...then went and looked up dung in the dictionary. I had to be sure...I was right! I felt tons of manure heaped on me...

I was being dunged!

I felt so loved, and thanked Heavenly Father for the fertilization.