I can't sleep. So many thoughts are spinning around in my mind. I have a child whose 18 years old. He's always been such a sweet boy. He was the one child I thought would have a happy, productive, normal life. He was respectful, obedient, fun... Then a few years ago he tried to take his life. It was triggered because he wanted to go to a friend's house. I asked him if the kids parents were going to be home, where he lived, etc. He got upset with me because he thought he should be able to go and do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Anyway, that night he tried to take his life. After that He has been more free with expressing himself. He grew his hair out so it covered his eyes. He began wearing black...he had the whole Emo thing going on. He was cutting himself. It has been so hard for me to watch him. I've tried so hard to love him, and help him, but in the end I can't make his choices for him....and so he chooses a life of misery and pain. So several weeks ago I got a call from him to come and pick him up after school. This was typical. I have to pick him up every day...but as I was driving to the school I had this thought that he was going to tell me his girlfriend (age 15) was pregnant. I cried at the thought. When I got to the school, he and his girlfriend got in the back seat of the car. As I drove my son proceeded to tell me that his girlfriend was pregnant. Fortunately I had been prepared, and I was able to talk about it with them in a very non emotional, rational way. I learned from them that they were thinking about keeping the baby because it would be easier emotionally. I get the whole easier emotionally thing, but I did explain that they had made their choices, now they've involved another precious life. I asked them to seriously and prayerfully consider what would be the best for the child. I encouraged them to put themselves aside, and with all the love they could muster to seek the very best solution for the child.
So I feel like I have so little influence. The girlfriend has been told by counselors that she will have her baby's childcare paid for. She could take the baby to school and put it in the nursery there at the school while she's in class. She would get a free college education. The government would pay for food, etc. What they haven't told Spencer is that they will seek child support from him...they will come after him for that money. He's never even held a job...he can't even find one! These kids are sooo not ready for this.
I've been talking with someone down at church social services. They are so great! They gave me a dvd to give to the girlfriend's mom to view. I did that. Although I didn't get a response from her mom, the girlfriend responded to me briefly and told me the dvd really made her think. Yeah!!! I was so excited! I really believe that in spite of themselves that the Lord will bless them and guide them if they will just heed those promptings...and I really hope they do!
My sister came over last night for dinner. She works in the youth program in the girlfriend's ward...so they know what is going on. Last week they fasted for these kids. I cannot tell you how it feels to have that kind of support beyond myself. I can only do so much, but to learn that others are also with me in this cause, it gives me incredible strength. So anyway, my boy hasn't told me their plans, which only makes me concerned. My sister thought that the word on the grapevine is that they're planning to keep the child. That is just sad...so very very sad. I hope that's not true!
I'm going to call the girlfriend's mom tomorrow. She was very open with me about how things are going last time I talked to her. I hope she has some concrete feedback for me. I can learn what she thought of the dvd too. She told me she was open to talking to someone at social services, and we have a tenative apt for her and I to talk to someone this week. I have since learned since making the apt that they're going to be out of town that day. That's okay though. I can find out what would be good for her, and we can set something up.
I'm so sad this is all happening. It's hard for me to see my son remove his agency one choice at a time. My heart aches for his well being. I want so much for my children... My whole life has been about them...I want them to have the best this world has to offer...I want them to be happy, to experience the joys and the beauty of life. They have to choose it though. ...and it breakes my heart to see him struggle so much.
There's only one thing that comforts me. It's a knowledge that the Savior is real. His love for me is fixed. He's an anchor I can always count on. I often view His strength as a very strong iron pole that extends through time and eternity. When I hold to that pole, I am centered. The storms may come, even death may come, but I will always have the Savior. He's a constant who extends through time and space, and eternity. His view of the world is different than my own. Like my friend recently told me, Heavenly Father sees our lives, and our choices different than we do. Otherwise, how could He send His children to this earth? I do trust Him. I need to just press forward with hope, and the understanding that all will be well.
What a ride.
